Social ineptitude (at least there were wings)

Last Friday I went on the second worst date I've ever been on. Despite all the evidence the contrary, I keep thinking it's possible to find even a temporary love connection through e-dating. When will I ever learn...

Let's call her Goldilocks. I had a feeling Goldi and I weren't going to hit it off judging by her emails and texts. But, it's been a while and I could use the practice--not to mention, she's a law school grad, she likes to travel abroad and she only drinks Whiskey, win! --so I agree to a date. We plan to meet at my local watering hole at 6. At 530 she texts saying she's 30 minutes behind. At 630 she texts and says she'll be arriving "within 30 minutes", whatever the hell that means. I decided not to show up until 7 and I still got there several minutes before her. Strike 1.

Goldilocks tells me that she'll buy me a drink for being so late. I agree and we saddle up to the bar and order a round. Everything is going fine, though lackluster, until she starts telling me how beautiful I am in person and how I challenge her like no one else she's met in Chicago. Yep, this is about 20 minutes into the date, so I'm not really sure how I challenged her up to that point, but go me!...? She also confesses how nervous I make her and so I cut her some slack, figure she's having a hard time expressing herself and order another round.

This is where things started to go from strange/boring to bad. In between checking out our bartender-- so blatantly that several times she forgets to complete her sentences--and doting on me, she asks what I think about her. I respond that she seems nice, but I don't really have much of an opinion, after all, we've known each other less than an hour. She then clarifies that she means on a purely physical level i.e. do I think she's hot. I brush it off as a joke ( I mean, who legitimately asks that?!) and change the subject, calling her out on her ogling the bartender. She plays dumb and says that she doesn't compare to me, but then suddenly leans over the bar to tell the bartender how attractive she is. Nothing but class, this one.

Thinking I have successfully dodged the "am I hot" question, I try to change the subject, but after being blown off by the bartender, she brings it up again! telling me how others tell her she's hot all the time. She then attempts to impress me with stories of how many push ups she can do, how great her 6 pack is and how she has no reason not to be confident 'cause, hello?!, she's awesome.

At this point, I find her obnoxious, but figure since she has an open tab and this is a terrible date, I'll order some wings to go with my beer. I mean, SOMETHING positive HAS to come out of this, right? Why not free wings and beer?...Stop judging me! Anyhoo, she orders another drink. A decision I believe she may have regretted as midway through, she launches into tmi stories about her family dysfunction, her horrible recent break up and how she thinks her homo-ness may be a sin...I. shit. you. not.

Now, I'm trying to eat my wings as quickly as I can so I can get the hell out of there. Unfortunately, I'm too slow and she starts "turning on the charm." First she tells me she was recently asked to be in a threesome and seems dumbfounded that I find this neither shocking nor interesting. But then I realize she's using this to segue into her real point. She says, "well I'm just looking for a twosome, think I'd be any good?" and then presses me for a reply. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm floored especially by the fact that she can't believe I won't comment on how I think she is in bed. I haven't given her any indication that I'm interested. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever flirted less with a date.

I assume as a result of the "The fuck?!?" expression on my face, she segues into talking about gender roles while we were waiting for the check. She tells me that she doesn't like them and wishes they didn't exist. We then have a somewhat intelligent conversation about them until she mentions that though she presents as butch, I could "fuck [her] up the ass or do anything because [she is] up for whatever." And on that note I suppressed my disgust, yawned and said it was time for me to go home.

I've deleted her number and though she's looked at my profile a few times, she hasn't tried to contact me since.

I'm going to hell

I tripped a blind lady and the saddest part is that we were walking toward each other and I was contemplating helping her across the street and whether or not that would be insulting. Like I would be saying, "Hey blind lady, you can't survive these streets on your own, you weakling! Darwin says I'm on top, so the only way you'll make it through the day is if someone like me decides to help you!" Well, I decided was silly since she most certainly had at least 2-3 decades on me. But then I started thinking, "oh no! what if she thinks I'm calling her old!" It was at this point that she stopped waiting on her side of the alley and started walking at me, but I was flanked by two other people and couldn't move over to make room for both her and her walking stick. So I dodged the stick and ran into her while everyone around me gave me the death glare for being so careless as to run into a blind person.

That's what I get for having my heart in the right place. Never again! Next time I see a blind person crossing the street I'm getting the hell out of dodge!

**Update** I was just strolling, minding my own business and managed to punch a dog in the face! What the hell is wrong with my motor skills?!

Are you having sex right now?!

The gynecologist office is always a bundle of fun. But, the worst part of it is when they ask if you're sexually active. It is a faulty question that could mean a number of things. But, whenever I ask what my Dr. means, she looks at me like I'm an asshole. Rather than go into a ridiculous explanation of why I'm confused, I'm telling you, Internets!

The problem is the time frame . I never feel like I have a good grasp on this. Does it count if you screwed someone a week after your last annual visit? I mean, that's certainly relevant to a diagnosis of say, untreated syphilis, but that's only one incident of sexual activity and the term sexually active seems to indicate something ongoing. What if you were regularly getting railed until the day of the visit and you got dumped via text in the waiting room, should you state that you were sexually active, but as of 10 minutes ago all bets are off? What if you haven't been with anyone since your last visit, but will be the day after this visit. You aren't active yet, but you're getting close so if she's asking so she can talk to you about safe sex, she'd probably want to know, right? What if you aren't getting it on the regular, but you have a bang buddy that pops up sporadically? That's not really all active, per se...

This shit could drive you nuts.

I say do what I do. Keep it simple, cover your ass and always say yes. It makes you sound cool when you're really a loser who isn't getting any and won't cause your physician to think you're delusional or really stupid if there's a little surprise bundle of mishap in your oven. Done and done and all is right with the world. You're welcome.

Queen of F*ing awkward

So...apparently I'm terrible at this whole blogging thing and it's taken a while to get the drive to write my 3rd post. I'm lazy, what can I say? ...This is just too much pressure...stop judging me!

Anyway, so since I can't afford a therapist, I'm going to tell all my business to the internets, cause we all know what loving support comes from the internets! Besides, these are totes stories you can adapt to make your life seem more interesting...that's what I do!

I have no morals.

One of my friends says I'm a magnet for awkward and what's worse, unlike other people, I don't attempt to avoid it and sometimes embrace it. I think he's an asshole for making me out to be a drama queen, but I can see his point sometimes.

Awkward scenario #1: I go to a party where my friends are hanging out with my current hook up's ex, Alice, who I've never met and who obvi doesn't know who I am. After about 5 minutes, we bond over a mutual lust for the swedish pop singer, Robyn. I'm thinking hey! this doesn't HAVE to be weird...

Awkward scenario #2: Hook up buddy, Erk-jay, walks in and having some mild awareness that it could be weird to see me chatting it up with her ex, I try hide at the bar for a bit, but of course when I get back all of my friends, Alice and Erk-jay are standing in a group. I slyly stand on the outskirts of the circle looking jaded, hoping to avoid all interaction, but then Alice goes out of her way to introduce Erk-jay to everyone...including me.

Now here's where my social ineptitude comes in, I know it was awkward, but it was kind of funny too, right? I mean, how ridiculous is this situation!? How could you not see the humor? Well, apparently Alice didn't and after reading the "I've touched your no-no spots" expressions on our faces, she and Erk-jay go talk seriously in corner for what seemed like forever and then Alice storms out.

Awkward scenario#3: I actually say to Alice as she is snatching up her belongings, "leaving so soon??" and in retrospect, I could see how that wasn't necessarily appropriate, but we'd had such a lovely chat and I'm trying really hard to not be awkward about the whole thing.... I blame Bourbon. She played it off saying that she had to work early. I might have bought it if only she hadn't just gotten there 15 minutes ago and didn't still have more than half a drink left.

Jackass (asshole with a twist of awkward) scenario #1: So, I don't really know what to say to Erk-jay at this point. But, assuming she's like me and has been in situations like this before (Totally never my fault) I thought we'd uncomfortably laugh it off and enjoy the evening. Yeah, I was wrong. Instead, She seems to be upset with me for what happened, and tells me how it is strange for me to be at one of the only monthly queer parties in the city...that I'd told her I'd gone to before...that's 4 blocks from my apartment...with the mutual friends that introduced us the week before...Right. And! when I say, hey now, I'm having fun with you, but I don't want to be put in the middle of drama and if that's how it is, I'm good, well then she really got her panties in a knot.

Awkward/Jackass combo#1 : To make matters worse, trying to be an adult and not awkward but clearly knowing it could be awkward, I go to a party that my buddy invited me to before the whole "incident" happened that I know Erk-jay will be at. Unfortunately, I haven't really had a chance to tell Erk-jay that I've been invited since we never do much talking about our clothed lives...so, I leave a vmail saying don't get scared, but I'll be there! I totally love the party, have a blast...that is until the end of the night when Erk-jay and I end up standing next to each other with cricket noises emanating from the foot of space between us. So, I try to ask Erk-jay if we are still cool. I mean, even if we're done banging, I still think she seems like a cool person and don't want to be on bad terms. Well, apparently, we aren't and she is not only pissed about the other night, she's pissed I'm at this party because I've breached her inner circle...by coming with the people I was with both when we met and during awkward 1.0 with Alice. She actually goes so far as to accuse me of not being friends them, y'all, and says that I wasn't really hanging out with them before.

Seriously, I'm all what does she think this is Fatal attraction!?! That's some ego! Does she think the sex was so hot I'm gonna follow her around and boil her pet rabbit!? Shoot, I'd have to at least have a prime rib dinner, multiple orgasms and a post coital foot rub to get that enthusiastic about anyone. And that shit didn't even come close!

Jackass scenario#2: So, we end up standing outside and she's yelling at me about how I don't know her, how I didn't have to worry about being in the middle of her ex drama because...get this y'all, she doesn't want to get to know me and she never did, she just wanted to bang. This caused inappropriate laughter on my part...I said, I'm awkward. But seriously, I mean, who says that? That's some serious assholishness. She totes could have just said, I like to think of you as a blow up doll that moves.

Awkward/jackass combo #2: After taking my head off for pulling a Glen Close, making up friends and not being crazy about being a walking-talking vagina with boobs--cause I mean, who doesn't gush at the thought of that?!--my ass is fucking ready to go home before I throw her damn bike into traffic. So I'm like, no more arguing, you're right and I'm wrong, we're done, don't have to acknowledge we've ever met, see you...hopefully never, we won't be friends (to which she adds we never were... nothing but class with this one). But then, get this, she hugs me...twice! which was a fucking feat since I kept my arms at my sides, was stiff as a cold nipple and giving her my best you just laid the nastiest ass-bomb I've ever smelled and I ain't trying to be polite about it face. Then! she gives me a spiel on how I shouldn't give up on love, how if there's one thing to come out of meeting her, she wants that to be it and how this was just bad timing. THEN! As I break out of her vice grip and get into my cab she yells, "you're beautiful."

Couldn't. make. this. shit. up.

Mommy, when I grow up I want to be...

I hope I have ambitious children. Today I just learned of a new job in our magnificent national economy. What is it you ask? A wax ball knockout worker. That's right someone who, "crushes and removes wax-ball lasts (forms) from basketball carcasses, using club, scraping tool, and airhose: Strikes carcass with bat to break wax ball. Shakes pieces out through opening in carcass. Scrapes wax particles from carcass and removes particles and dust with airhose."

If you'd heard of this job when you were in those formative years, imagine how different your life could have been. That's why I'm asking you to join my mission in educating our youth and letting them know that if they work really hard --I'm pretty sure this job is almost impossible to find-- they could one day be wax ball knockout workers.

Why I proposed to a post-it

Essence magazine had it's first lesbian couple in the Bridal Bliss section today. At first I felt pretty ambivalent about the story, I mean it's not like I got a pretty dress and found the love of my life and was featured in a national magazine...bastards... Anyhoo, like I said, I was pretty ambivalent about the whole thing until I read all 200 comments-- I'm driven!-- that I found myself very passionate about one argument in particular.

Avril2:39 pm

I know we are to love and accept everyone , but we are not to condone sin just to be seen as liberal or hip. This is clearly wrong and all the responses praising this article are amazing to me. As the tide continues to slowly turn , everthing is going to be seen as acceptable. Believe me , in 10 -20 years , we will be able to marry our pets if we like. Sounds crazy , but it's all a part of the "anything goes club". As long as the catch phrase "Love whom ever , whatever you want" is thrown in they'll be some pervert willing to go that route. Sorry , but this is wrong. Not because I say so , but because God says so...


I was so inspired I felt the need to respond:

Facebook User2:56 pm

It's irrefutable logic that if we allow "the gays" to marry, next we'll be allowing people to marry invertebrates and maybe even post-its ( I bet post-its would be far more loyal, especially if you married the full pad and not just one...though the one would probably be pretty loyal til the glue gave way), cause people, pets and inanimate objects are all equals. I keep trying to tell everyone, there's no way my pet venus fly trap isn't going to heaven dammit, she's a person too!

I was really proud of myself for standing up for my beliefs along with Avril. But, I was terribly disheartened when I went back just now to see how people were responding to my post and I didn't have any responses. :( Just you wait until we get to those pearly gates and Venus and I (that's the fly trap's name) will be sitting with St. Peter judging all of you naysayers!