So...apparently I'm terrible at this whole blogging thing and it's taken a while to get the drive to write my 3rd post. I'm lazy, what can I say? ...This is just too much pressure...stop judging me!
Anyway, so since I can't afford a therapist, I'm going to tell all my business to the internets, cause we all know what loving support comes from the internets! Besides, these are totes stories you can adapt to make your life seem more interesting...that's what I do!
I have no morals.
One of my friends says I'm a magnet for awkward and what's worse, unlike other people, I don't attempt to avoid it and sometimes embrace it. I think he's an asshole for making me out to be a drama queen, but I can see his point sometimes.
Awkward scenario #1: I go to a party where my friends are hanging out with my current hook up's ex, Alice, who I've never met and who obvi doesn't know who I am. After about 5 minutes, we bond over a mutual lust for the swedish pop singer, Robyn. I'm thinking hey! this doesn't HAVE to be weird...
Awkward scenario #2: Hook up buddy, Erk-jay, walks in and having some mild awareness that it could be weird to see me chatting it up with her ex, I try hide at the bar for a bit, but of course when I get back all of my friends, Alice and Erk-jay are standing in a group. I slyly stand on the outskirts of the circle looking jaded, hoping to avoid all interaction, but then Alice goes out of her way to introduce Erk-jay to everyone...including me.
Now here's where my social ineptitude comes in, I know it was awkward, but it was kind of funny too, right? I mean, how ridiculous is this situation!? How could you not see the humor? Well, apparently Alice didn't and after reading the "I've touched your no-no spots" expressions on our faces, she and Erk-jay go talk seriously in corner for what seemed like forever and then Alice storms out.
Awkward scenario#3: I actually say to Alice as she is snatching up her belongings, "leaving so soon??" and in retrospect, I could see how that wasn't necessarily appropriate, but we'd had such a lovely chat and I'm trying really hard to not be awkward about the whole thing.... I blame Bourbon. She played it off saying that she had to work early. I might have bought it if only she hadn't just gotten there 15 minutes ago and didn't still have more than half a drink left.
Jackass (asshole with a twist of awkward) scenario #1: So, I don't really know what to say to Erk-jay at this point. But, assuming she's like me and has been in situations like this before (Totally never my fault) I thought we'd uncomfortably laugh it off and enjoy the evening. Yeah, I was wrong. Instead, She seems to be upset with me for what happened, and tells me how it is strange for me to be at one of the only monthly queer parties in the city...that I'd told her I'd gone to before...that's 4 blocks from my apartment...with the mutual friends that introduced us the week before...Right. And! when I say, hey now, I'm having fun with you, but I don't want to be put in the middle of drama and if that's how it is, I'm good, well then she really got her panties in a knot.
Awkward/Jackass combo#1 : To make matters worse, trying to be an adult and not awkward but clearly knowing it could be awkward, I go to a party that my buddy invited me to before the whole "incident" happened that I know Erk-jay will be at. Unfortunately, I haven't really had a chance to tell Erk-jay that I've been invited since we never do much talking about our clothed lives...so, I leave a vmail saying don't get scared, but I'll be there! I totally love the party, have a blast...that is until the end of the night when Erk-jay and I end up standing next to each other with cricket noises emanating from the foot of space between us. So, I try to ask Erk-jay if we are still cool. I mean, even if we're done banging, I still think she seems like a cool person and don't want to be on bad terms. Well, apparently, we aren't and she is not only pissed about the other night, she's pissed I'm at this party because I've breached her inner circle...by coming with the people I was with both when we met and during awkward 1.0 with Alice. She actually goes so far as to accuse me of not being friends them, y'all, and says that I wasn't really hanging out with them before.
Seriously, I'm all what does she think this is Fatal attraction!?! That's some ego! Does she think the sex was so hot I'm gonna follow her around and boil her pet rabbit!? Shoot, I'd have to at least have a prime rib dinner, multiple orgasms and a post coital foot rub to get that enthusiastic about anyone. And that shit didn't even come close!
Jackass scenario#2: So, we end up standing outside and she's yelling at me about how I don't know her, how I didn't have to worry about being in the middle of her ex drama because...get this y'all, she doesn't want to get to know me and she never did, she just wanted to bang. This caused inappropriate laughter on my part...I said, I'm awkward. But seriously, I mean, who says that? That's some serious assholishness. She totes could have just said, I like to think of you as a blow up doll that moves.
Awkward/jackass combo #2: After taking my head off for pulling a Glen Close, making up friends and not being crazy about being a walking-talking vagina with boobs--cause I mean, who doesn't gush at the thought of that?!--my ass is fucking ready to go home before I throw her damn bike into traffic. So I'm like, no more arguing, you're right and I'm wrong, we're done, don't have to acknowledge we've ever met, see you...hopefully never, we won't be friends (to which she adds we never were... nothing but class with this one). But then, get this, she hugs me...twice! which was a fucking feat since I kept my arms at my sides, was stiff as a cold nipple and giving her my best you just laid the nastiest ass-bomb I've ever smelled and I ain't trying to be polite about it face. Then! she gives me a spiel on how I shouldn't give up on love, how if there's one thing to come out of meeting her, she wants that to be it and how this was just bad timing. THEN! As I break out of her vice grip and get into my cab she yells, "you're beautiful."
Couldn't. make. this. shit. up.
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