Last Friday I went on the second worst date I've ever been on. Despite all the evidence the contrary, I keep thinking it's possible to find even a temporary love connection through e-dating. When will I ever learn...
Let's call her Goldilocks. I had a feeling Goldi and I weren't going to hit it off judging by her emails and texts. But, it's been a while and I could use the practice--not to mention, she's a law school grad, she likes to travel abroad and she only drinks Whiskey, win! --so I agree to a date. We plan to meet at my local watering hole at 6. At 530 she texts saying she's 30 minutes behind. At 630 she texts and says she'll be arriving "within 30 minutes", whatever the hell that means. I decided not to show up until 7 and I still got there several minutes before her. Strike 1.
Goldilocks tells me that she'll buy me a drink for being so late. I agree and we saddle up to the bar and order a round. Everything is going fine, though lackluster, until she starts telling me how beautiful I am in person and how I challenge her like no one else she's met in Chicago. Yep, this is about 20 minutes into the date, so I'm not really sure how I challenged her up to that point, but go me!...? She also confesses how nervous I make her and so I cut her some slack, figure she's having a hard time expressing herself and order another round.
This is where things started to go from strange/boring to bad. In between checking out our bartender-- so blatantly that several times she forgets to complete her sentences--and doting on me, she asks what I think about her. I respond that she seems nice, but I don't really have much of an opinion, after all, we've known each other less than an hour. She then clarifies that she means on a purely physical level i.e. do I think she's hot. I brush it off as a joke ( I mean, who legitimately asks that?!) and change the subject, calling her out on her ogling the bartender. She plays dumb and says that she doesn't compare to me, but then suddenly leans over the bar to tell the bartender how attractive she is. Nothing but class, this one.
Thinking I have successfully dodged the "am I hot" question, I try to change the subject, but after being blown off by the bartender, she brings it up again! telling me how others tell her she's hot all the time. She then attempts to impress me with stories of how many push ups she can do, how great her 6 pack is and how she has no reason not to be confident 'cause, hello?!, she's awesome.
At this point, I find her obnoxious, but figure since she has an open tab and this is a terrible date, I'll order some wings to go with my beer. I mean, SOMETHING positive HAS to come out of this, right? Why not free wings and beer?...Stop judging me! Anyhoo, she orders another drink. A decision I believe she may have regretted as midway through, she launches into tmi stories about her family dysfunction, her horrible recent break up and how she thinks her homo-ness may be a sin...I. shit. you. not.
Now, I'm trying to eat my wings as quickly as I can so I can get the hell out of there. Unfortunately, I'm too slow and she starts "turning on the charm." First she tells me she was recently asked to be in a threesome and seems dumbfounded that I find this neither shocking nor interesting. But then I realize she's using this to segue into her real point. She says, "well I'm just looking for a twosome, think I'd be any good?" and then presses me for a reply. Perhaps I shouldn't be surprised, but I'm floored especially by the fact that she can't believe I won't comment on how I think she is in bed. I haven't given her any indication that I'm interested. In fact, I'm not sure I've ever flirted less with a date.
I assume as a result of the "The fuck?!?" expression on my face, she segues into talking about gender roles while we were waiting for the check. She tells me that she doesn't like them and wishes they didn't exist. We then have a somewhat intelligent conversation about them until she mentions that though she presents as butch, I could "fuck [her] up the ass or do anything because [she is] up for whatever." And on that note I suppressed my disgust, yawned and said it was time for me to go home.
I've deleted her number and though she's looked at my profile a few times, she hasn't tried to contact me since.
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